Breakfast Cereal
It shouldn’t have been such a big deal; it was only a box of breakfast cereal. Why are some days so hard?
Soon after Christi died I went through the cupboards and removed foods that only Christi liked – all that is except for one box of breakfast cereal. Unlike the rest of us, Christi was the “breakfast cereal kid”. I just couldn’t part with that final box of “Captain Crunch” so I left it there……for six months. Finally, I decided that the bugs would come and carry it off so today, with tears streaming down my face, I threw away that very last box of breakfast cereal Christi ever held in her precious hands.
Ironically, it was a breakfast cereal box which brought me to my knees weeks after her death. She had been saving certain DVD coupons off of the back of the boxes all summer long to get two free DVDs. “The Truth about Cats & Dogs” and “Dr. Doolittle”. Sadly, they arrived after she died. I haven't had the strength to watch them. Strangely enough, I received this email last week which actually gave me comfort believing that Christi perhaps is doing her special work, helping others.
"I'm not sure if is the correct email address for you but it is the only one I could find on Christi's website. I have been a long time follower of Christi's blog site but have never commented on the page........The reason I am writing you is to tell you that your beautiful angel visited me in a dream last night. It started out that Shayne dropped her off at our house to have a sleepover party with my daughter. My daughter wanted to get out the couch bed but Christi was determined to sleep on the floor which is were they ended up. I guess I asked the girls what they wanted to do and Christi suggested watching a movie "Dr. Doolittle". She said it was "a great choice". That was all I remembered of the dream and was amazed in the morning when my daughter woke up to tell me that she had had a dream about Christi coming and visiting her and having a sleep over! I got chills up and down my spine.I thought about how lucky we were to actually have an real live angel visit us in our dreams....."
A few weeks ago Shayne removed all of the “Christi items” from his nook. When Christi was first diagnosed back in the fall of 2002, her wonderful teacher, Mrs. Rombach, came to our house to work with Christi who was five at the time. Shayne removed his belongings and set up the little nook as her classroom. I must admit, although I never said anything to him, I was a bit upset that he could remove Christi’s belongings from that room! I guess I wanted it to stay “Christi’s Classroom” forever. The door to Christi’s bedroom remains closed. It’s just so hard. Perhaps this way allows me to cope as I continue to tell myself she’s in her room reading or creating. When I go into it to grab some clothing for Shayla I do so without looking around because when I look around it's too sad. One day I know we will disassemble Christi’s room, but I think it’s going to be a long time in coming. Shayla has really been into reading “Magic Tree House” books and I know Christi has some on her bookshelves. I did tell Shayla that I would go into Christi’s room to get her one soon. May God be with me and give me strength.
Another task I’ve put off is finalizing the decisions about the plaque which will be set at the cemetery. It just makes it final and real. Iknow it's the last thing I can do for her. I know the decision must stick and must be a good one so I’ve been taking my time, trying to decide what will be best…..or perhaps continuing on in denial. Personally, I think it’s a great way to cope but I really need to get a grave marker for her. This weekend some sweet ladies we met in Pennsylvania will be driving out to the cemetery to say hello to Christi. When I gave them directions of where to find her, I was embarassed that there still isn't a marker to mark her spot. Please drive safely to Ohio Jen and Andrea!
posted by the Thomas team @ 9:19 PM
7 Comments:
So many parents who lose children close their hearts and minds to all around them. Look and reflect at all you do to keep Christi's dreams and beliefs alive.
One day at a time is the mantra!
It always seems like it's the little things that bring back so many big memories, just like the cereal. I think you'll just know, out of the blue, what will be a fitting tribute for Christi's memorial plaque, somehow it'll just come to you. My prayers are with you and your family.
I've been following Christi's blog for a long time. Having also lost a daughter to cancer, many of the things I now read are so sadly familiar and Angela I wish I could give you a hug and talk about things. Today, I was reading about Christi's cereal packet I know how hard it is to part with "mundane" things that should have no significance but actually, their significance is huge. I still have a tin of Becky's favourite soup tucked in the back corner of my cupboard, nobody knows it's there. What I'm writing to say is, I too have fretted about parting with these objects - now I take a photo of them, so they're not completely gone. As crazy as that sounds, it is a good compromise. Maybe that's denial also, but it sure makes it easier to let them go because I can "see" them if I need to. My Dad passed away after Becky, and whilst going through his things we found a pair of her shoes with an old empty packet of smarties that he'd kept inside them. It's so hard to let go of even these little things. You're in my thoughts, with love, Sarah x
What difficult things to face, her breakfast cereal, her nook, her room. My heart hurts for and with you that you must face these things at all.
May God be with you and hold you close in His loving arms and bring you peace and comfort.
Lots of love and prayers,
Heather
I can completely understand why you haven't put a marker, or dissembled her room. If I were in your position, I don't think I could do it either. Regarding the room, I know some people who's advice would be to do it right away. They would say the longer you wait, the harder it could be. I disagree with that completely. Do it when you feel ready. I don't think I could feel ready six months later....
Angela, you and your family are the strongest and bravest people I have ever "read about!" I don't belive that I could endure all that you have endured, and still be as strong as you are!
Hi Angela
I just wanted to let you know that I still visit Christi's blog every day. You said in this post that you were afraid that finalising Christi's plaque would be the last thing you could do for her. I hate to tell you this...but you're wrong!!! You are still doing things for your beautiful Christi - every single day. You will do things for Christi every day for the rest of your life. Every time you smile, you are doing something for Christi. Every time you cry, you are doing something for Christi. Every time you tell her story, you are doing something for Christi. Every time you hug Shayla and Shayne, you are doing something for Christi. You are, and will always be Christi's mommy. Nothing can change that - not even the fact that she's dancing now in heaven. You know what, too? You tell us how proud you are of Christi...well I bet she's just as proud of YOU!! Imagine her lovely face looking down at you from heaven, sending you loving messages that are REAL. So, keep on doing things for Christi. And I'm sure she'll keep on doing things for you. And know that we all still send you our love and support, and we will always remember your sweet, amazing daughter.
Dear Angela,
It must be so hard to 'put away' all of Christi's things. If it were my child I think I would take a long time to do it, leave it until at least after the first anniversary of her death before even thinking about changing her room. Don't let the thought of that 'needing to be done' pressure you. Everybody is different, for Shayne maybe it was more painful seeing Christi's things in his nook so better for him to put them away.
Do you think it would be a good idea to wait to get Christi's memorial plaque until you happen across what seems really fitting to you, or until you have a great idea for the perfect memorial to Christi? Sometimes when you are not looking for something it turns up. There shouldn't be any pressure, you don't need that!
Thinking of you,
Take care
Love Angela
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