Late Night Thoughts

As I sit here in this dark hospital room, contemplating Christi's fate, I am awed by own fear of mortality. Selfishly, I want to keep Christi with us for longer actually forever. When is it time to let her go? Why can't I convince myself that she is going to a better place? Perhaps my ego is too fragile to accept the fact that someone else may have made a better home for her on the "other side" Many of us pass through these shadowy periods with loved ones and it is never easy. I do not feel special in this regard. Although I know other parents have passed through here it still challenges my very being as if I am the first to experience this agony.

Each new pain, every increase in morphine sits heavy on my chest. Her cries of pain activate muscles in the center of my back which sends signals to my brain to "fight". Bar fight instincts say "If you're going down then.go down swinging". It's not until the quieter moments that the fight instinct gives way to rational thought. A braver response is to tip your executioner and meet your fate with dignity. Here, my friends, is the paradox. If we nobly accept this circumstance we have forsaken the weakest among us-a defenseless child. Each hug reminds me that she believes with her whole heart that I will do whatever it takes to make her well, period. As of yet I have not been able to reconcile the two.

Shayne