Late Night Thoughts
As I sit here in this dark hospital room, contemplating Christi's fate, I am awed by own fear of mortality. Selfishly, I want to keep Christi with us for longer actually forever. When is it time to let her go? Why can't I convince myself that she is going to a better place? Perhaps my ego is too fragile to accept the fact that someone else may have made a better home for her on the "other side" Many of us pass through these shadowy periods with loved ones and it is never easy. I do not feel special in this regard. Although I know other parents have passed through here it still challenges my very being as if I am the first to experience this agony.Each new pain, every increase in morphine sits heavy on my chest. Her cries of pain activate muscles in the center of my back which sends signals to my brain to "fight". Bar fight instincts say "If you're going down then.go down swinging". It's not until the quieter moments that the fight instinct gives way to rational thought. A braver response is to tip your executioner and meet your fate with dignity. Here, my friends, is the paradox. If we nobly accept this circumstance we have forsaken the weakest among us-a defenseless child. Each hug reminds me that she believes with her whole heart that I will do whatever it takes to make her well, period. As of yet I have not been able to reconcile the two.
Shayne
posted by The Binary Biker @ 12:38 PM
24 Comments:
You are both in my prayers.
No easy answers. No words to say. All I know if that Angel Carley Ann Rant will be there waiting to welcome her with open arms. I've prayed to Carley to help Christi upon arrival to the other side. Whether is be in four months or four more years, just know that Carley will be there!
Angel Carley Ann Rant 4/24/98-7/16/04
I can’t tell you how many times I have sat and thought the same thing. I have not been in your place but I have tried to prepare myself for it the best I know how. Is it wrong for me to pray for healing for my sweet child? Does that mean I don’t trust that God will do what is best for us? Is it selfish to want her here when I know that he has a wonderful place for her there with no pain, no pokies and NO CANCER! I believe it is in our nature to protect and hold on to the ones we love as long as it is in our best interest to do so and we are expected to be sad and morn for that loss. You are both wonderful parents and have given Christi an amazing life full of love and laughter. There are people who live 100 years and never experience the warmth of a family the way Christi has. There is nothing I could ever say to make you feel better but I want you to know you are not completely alone.
Love and prayers.
Lisa Adams www.edenadams.com
Shayne - Of course you are unable to reconcile the two. It would be impossible not to be conflicted. We want our children to be with us for as long as we are alive. I turn to Gibran for words on death. His words helped me as I faced my mother's and father's (very painful cancer) death.
"If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depths of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow, your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in his honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease brathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you sing.
And when you have reached the mountaintop, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance."
Our time on earth is but a blink of the eye compared to eternity with God. May you find peace, Shayne, and please give Angela a hug for me.
Love and God's Peace...
Diane Armstrong
Heidleberg Colleague
"Each hug reminds me that she believes with her whole heart that I will do whatever it takes to make her well, period."
I think Christi believes with her whole heart that you are giving everything you have, making every effort you can make, and you are NOT DISAPPOINTING HER ONE BIT. She knows the monster she is facing, she knew through all those treatments (particularly this hospital stay) that you were constantly searching for options and trying everything you possibly could. YOU DID NOT, AND ARE NOT, LETTING HER DOWN.
You DID do "whatever it takes" and she knows that. With everything you're going through right now, please don't add the unnecessary burden of feeling guilty about letting her down, when YOU know, and SHE knows, what you have gone through to fight this. Remember this, if nothing else....
YOU'RE THE THOMAS TEAM. You have been, all along.
As a counselor, I'll be blunt here. Although it can be "natural" due to feeling helpless, don't waste these last days, weeks, months with guilt. Even though it's okay to feel whatever you feel, of all the emotions, it's totally useless when it comes to parents who have busted their rumps aggressively seeking treatment for their children, and exploring EVERY option. We love you for your aggressive approach, Christi loves you for it, Shayla loves you for it. Love yourself, don't get drained from it, your energy is needed for more important things right now. You can always feel guilty later, but you need to focus elsewhere right now. I know you are, but when you need a kick in the pants, reread this. End of lecture. Praying for you hard in Pensacola.
Cathie
haldagobay.com
Dear Shayne and Angela,
With each hug, with each breath, with each heart beat, with every fiber of her being, Christi just knows that you do the very best and all you can for her. And we are all witness to that.
It is so beyond any doubt you may have, beyond any apparent contradiction...
You provide a fully safe, sacred space in an ocean of love. Christi is in a space of continuous, endless, all encompassing love and, beyond her last breath on earth, will continue to be surrounded by this infinite love.
Feeling for you, honoring you, sending light...
Eva
Shayne,
Reading this post causes tears to stream down my face. I, as a mother of a fellow NB fighter, have not been exactly where you are, but have shared many of your experiences. Decisions are indescribably hard. The paradox you mentioned is oh so true. I want you to know that you are a wonderful father.
Sending hugs and prayers,
Wendy Koontz
www.caringbridge.org/nc/brandonk
Dear Shayne,
It is not selfish to want to keep Christi here with you forever, you are not a selfish parent, you are a very loving and caring parent, Christi couldn't have a more caring father. What could be more normal than wanting to keep her with you? She is your girl. You are not selfish parents, you just wanted life for Christi. All of us imagine that life is the best thing there is because we don't know what it is really like on the other side. I can't imagine how any parent could come to terms with their child going home before they themselves. But we know it happens and we must believe that what there is to come, eternal life, is something wonderful. Christi will have everlasting peace and joy, freedom from pain, she will fly free from the beast that has ravaged her body on earth. You have to help her now to go, that is an act of unselfish and pure love, that is defending her, keeping her from suffering any more pain, letting her go while she is still 'in her head', she can still laugh, joke and talk with you, (when she is awake) You will know when the time is right to help her to go home.
Sorry if this is clumsy, I have never had to face what you are facing now, though I kind of feel your pain through your writing, it makes me cry. I just want you to know that Christ would be proud of you, she knows you have fought all you can for her, she knows how much you love her. God Bless you
Take care,
lots of love
Angela (France)
MY heart breaks with yours, as Ive come to love this precious child of yours as one of my own. My prayers are with you in this trying time. I cry when you cry and laugh when you laugh at some of the silly things this child comes up with. She is precious as is her lil sister Shayla. Laura (Stephenson)Gray
Shayne:
I cannot pretend to know and truly understand the depth of your pain. But, as I read your words, I can imagine that this pain you feel is beyond measure. My heart is broken to know of the grief and agony you feel. I ache to know that there is more pain for Christi and more horrific times for you and Angela.
I realize that there is nothing I can possibly say that will make this any easier or less agonizing for you. I can only hope that it is helpful, in some small way, to know that your prayer warriors continue to walk beside you, though we may be far away. And, we pray for every possible comfort for Christi.
Since we know this is all truly in God's hands, I pray that you will somehow feel God's presence when circumstances become the most difficult to bear.
With love and a broken heart,
Cheryl Scott
P.S. I am grateful to God for the wonderful moments you and Angela enjoyed with Christi yesterday. What a true blessing that was to read about!!!
Shayne,
I know I often write only to Angela (you know how we women are!)but I want to address your post now. You have never forsaken - nor will you ever forsake - Christi. While it may appear that her hugs are indicating that you will do "whatever it takes to get her well", I don't believe that's why she hugs you....she loves you and hugs you to keep you close no matter what....and to never quit loving her. And you haven't -- and won't. There is no peace like the peace of unconditional love, and you (as well as Angela) give that to her every second of every day, and will continue to do so until you are all together in Paradise. You may never be fully able to reconcile any of this here on Earth---but remember,all our days of reconciliation are ahead! For that I am excited and grateful - I cannot do it alone. Perhaps this is what faith really is all about...
God be with you and I hope His loving promise can somehow touch one corner of your heart at this dark time,
Love,
Vicki
You write so beautifully at a time when words would fail most people - you are so much in my thoughts. I am so sorry. xxxxx
(((Shayne and family)))
You have not foresaken Christi. Don't ever think that! You both HAVE done every thing you can do to make her well. If only all children could have such a wonderful father (and mother).
Praying for all of you,
Mia Williams, RN
Salem, IN
Angela sweetie, you are the first to experience this agony. The first to experience this with Christi. You are in my prayers sweetie
God Bless
It strikes me that difficult as this is, by choosing to follow the path and by finding the strength to do so despite the fact you soul cries out against the very idea you are doing everything you can to make Christi well, just in a different way to what is conventional. I am honoured to share your journey even though it is simply from afar, through this blog.
Shayne, Christi is SO right believing with her whole heart that you would do whatever it takes-ALL of us believe this! Unfortunately, that's out of your hands. Just NEVER doubt all you've done or all you've meant to this precious girl....to all THREE of your precious girls.
Love & hugs from CA,
Pat
shayne, christi is your beautiful, special daughter. there is no better place for her here ON EARTH than with you and her family. in heaven, she is in god's house and the rules are different. and we can't know about those rules here on earth. just know that we all love you, and love her, and we are here for you and your family. you have always acted in christi's best interests and she loves you with every fibre of her heart. it is impossible for you to let her down.
praying for your daughter, and for your family - for no pain, and for more time...
I have been following your journey with Christi for several years. I was directed to your site from the Smith's. May God bless you and give you strength. Christi is blessed to have you both for parents and the world is a brighter place for having Christi in it. I can't imagine how you are feeling........no parent should have to watch a child suffer! You are in my thoughts and prayers as you have been for so long.
God Bless You all.
Thomas Team,
"...whatever you can do to make her better"... including leading her to heaven. Perhaps this is Christi's earthly healing.
Praying for your peace and comfort.
God bless.
My prayers are with the Thomas family, I wish Christi all the comfort in the world during this time. My thoughts, prayers, and love are with her always.
http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h107/sitegraphicss/christisig.jpg
I just can't believe before my eyes how she was yesturday and another day makes difference . She has change over night . Nobody knows until there in Angela and Shayne shoes what these nice young people have to face . I have followed your story for two years which I knew about this way before then because Angela Mom and Joe went to my church right in my home town of Uppersandusky Ohio. I will continue pray for you both with this transition .
I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, but I do know what I see and what I feel from seeing...it's not fair, by any means, I see the love of family that so very few have. I see a faith that very few have the chance to experience. I see a very wise young lady who knows that her family loves her and does all in their power for her. I see a beautiful young lady who will be looking on the face of God. And, the pain aside....isn't that what we want...from the depth of our soul for our children? I see Christi as a teacher....she has taught countless people about love, life, and strength. She is truly a child of God!!
I continue to pray for peace and strength for each one of you.
In His Love
Pam
No words...just picturing sweet Christi being gently guided by her angels...being gently guided home. I'm praying for a peaceful journey.
With much love and prayer....
Laura Hudlow
Our love and prayers are with you all. We prayed for a miracle and the one we really wanted, did not happen. Yet, God in His wisdom and love will use this special little life, to change part of the world. Christi has left blessings like a carpetof roses, and her spirit will remain in the lives of each who loved her. We will continue to hold you all up in our prayers. God bless you all...lots of hugs, GrannySmiles, Ed Elderly and Peetie from Hug Mail
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