Dance, Christi, Dance
A year ago this afternoon, I snapped these pictures of Christi during her ballet and jazz classes at Dance Unlimited located on the campus of Heidelberg. I took over eighty pics that afternoon. Why? We just came from the local hospital and during that class I called to get the results and I sadly learned that Christi's LDH had skyrocketted and I knew that meant devestation. 
I wondered if it'd be the last time I saw our ballerina dance. Thankfully, it wasn't, but it was the last time she ever danced with her beautiful hair. She was able to attend a couple more classes in the late spring and then somehow managed to get out of the hospital in time for the lovely dance recital at Dance Unlimited in early June. 
Very soon we will be announcing how the Christi Thomas Memorial Funds will be utilized and we believe the Dance Unlimited students and their parents will be pleased. We believe Christi would be happy with our many decisions and hard work.
posted by the Thomas team @ 5:42 AM
10 Comments:
Angela, I've pretty much been a silent follower of Christi's site. Even though I never met Christi, my heart aches so much for you! I have a 9 year-old daughter and try to put myself in your place imagining my world without her. I hope I never have to!
I've noticed you have a lot of her pictures in date order. Have you thought about arranging all her pictures by HOLIDAY in separate albums? That way every year when her birthday comes up, you can pull out her birthday album and reflect back on her and the memories. You could do the same with all her Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, etc. pictures and pull that album when the holiday approaches. That way your family will still feel like Christi is with you during each holiday, and help ease your grief.
Angela, Shayne & Shayla;
Very touching post of your little ballerina! I LOVE all the pictures you share with us. I am always so moved by all of your entries and can't thank you enough for sharing your life and your memories with us. Christi is for sure dancing in Heaven with all angels and watching over you and very PROUD of how strong and courageous you all are; just like she was. Not a day goes by I don't think of you and my heart aches for you! God Bless You!! FU_NB06!!!
Amy Brown
Thinking of you all today! Knowing that each day is as hard as the last and sadly will only get harder ... I found this recently and thought of your family and other families that I "know" that are traveling this road! Unfortunately it is true that so many "friends" think the death of a child is something you get over and move on with ... so far from the truth ... to get over it and move on is to say your dear child never existed! I continue to follow your family through your words and photos ... Christi was richly blessed with amazing parents and a loving sister! Her life was lived to the fullest surely - it is just beyond unfair that she still isn't here where she belongs - in the loving arms of her mommy and daddy! I am truly sorry and think of you all daily!
The Gap
The gap between those who have lost children and those who have not is profoundly difficult to bridge. No one, whose children are well and intact can be expected to understand what parents who have lost children have absorbed and what they bear. Our children come to us through every blade of grass, every crack in the sidewalk, every bowl of breakfast cereal. We seek contact with their atoms, their hairbrush, their toothbrush, their clothing. We reach for what was integrally woven into the fabric of our lives, now torn and shredded.
A black hole has been blown through our souls and, indeed, it often does not allow the light to escape. It is a difficult place. For us to enter there is to be cut deeply, and torn anew, each time we go there, by the jagged edges of our loss. Yet we return, again and again, for that is where our children now reside. This will be so for years to come and it will change us profoundly. At some point in the distant future, the edges of that hole will have tempered and softened but the empty space will remain - a life sentence.
Our friends will change through this. There is no avoiding it. We grieve for our children, in part, through talking about them and our feelings for having lost them. Some go there with us, others cannot and through their denial and a further measure, however unwittingly, to an already heavy burden. Assuming that we may be feeling "better" six months later is simply "to not get it." The excruciating and isolating reality that bereaved parents feel is hermetically sealed from the nature of any other human experience. Thus it is a trap - those whose compassion and insight we most need are those for whom we abhor the experience that would allow them that sensitivity and capacity. And yet, somehow there are those, each in their own fashion, who have found a way to reach us and stay, to our comfort. They have understood, again each in their own way, that our children remain our children through our memory of them. Their memory is sustained through speaking about them and our feelings about their death. Deny this and you deny their life. Deny their life and you no longer have a place in ours.
We recognize that we have moved to an emotional place where it is often very difficult to reach us. Our attempts to be normal are painful and the day to day carries a silent, screaming anguish that accompanies us, sometimes from moment to moment. Were we to give it its own voice we fear we would become truly unreachable, and so we remain "strong" for a host of reasons even as the strength saps our energy and drains our will. Were we to act out our true feelings we would be impossible to be with. We resent having to act normal, yet we dare not do otherwise. People who understand this dynamic are our gold standard. Working our way through this over the years will change us as does every experience - and extreme experience changes one extremely. We know we will have recovered when, as we have read, it is no longer so painful to be normal. We do not know who we will be at that point or who will still be with us.
We have read that the gap is so difficult that, often, bereaved parents must attempt to reach out to friends and relatives or risk losing them. This is our attempt. For those untarnished by such events, who wish to know in some way what they, thankfully, do not know, read this. It may provide a window that is helpful for both sides of the gap.
By
Michael Crenlinsten
Love from my family to yours!
Rebekah Clark
Prior Lake, MN
mommy_jaden@yahoo.com
Dance forever in Heaven beautiful Christi. You danced right into my heart from the momement I started reading Mommy's wonderful writing on your website. I miss you sweetheart, your laughter and your joy for living are with me always.
I shall always remember you with fondness, love and admiration.
Angela- I remember that day a year ago, I remember reading that blog entry with tears streaming down my face because I too knew it was not good news. My heart is sad for and with you that the most beautiful ballerina every to grace a stage is not in your arms tonight.
Know I think of you often, pray and love you all so very, very much!
Thank you for sharing your Christi with all of us!
Lots of love and prayers for always,
Heather
I showed these pics to my mother, who taught ballet for years, and who danced with our state ballet company. Her comment: What a beautiful, beautiful child.
You are always in our thoughts and prayers!
Love always
Lisa
I have always thought that picture with her head thrown back and her arms back was so beautiful. She looks so free and happy. So beautiful and serene.
What a beautiful ballerina!
Christi touched my life in more ways than you'll ever know...and I never even met her. That's how special she was.
I love to see the photos of Christi dancing. She was such a beautiful dancer! Thank you so much for sharing those photos with us. I still think of her every day.
I'm glad that you took so many pictures of Christi that day, but sorry for the reason behind it. She is certainly a lovely little ballerina. I'm sure it's difficult to believe that this was all only a year ago. My prayers for your family continue, and I'm sure that your hard work on the Christi Thomas Memorial fund will be appreciated by all who will benefit from it in Christi's honour.
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