I made it through yesterday!! Shayne and I went out to the cemetery yesterday afternoon and we did “ok”. While I don’t believe I will be a “cemetery goer” (smile) I can see myself returning this afternoon to read a book to Christi. Last night I taught my Heidelberg class and that was great as it forced me to get a shower, put make up on, hop back in a suit and heels and talk about another passion in my life- education for a few hours. I will also start back to my OSU studies today.
I don’t know how I’m going to face my real job as I classify school and Christi as going hand-in-hand. Did she not just write, "I love Mom" on my chalkboard after school? I was looking forward to a little sun and relaxation with my sister first. (Not that going on a short trip would change anything, but I thought it’d be nice regardless.) However, this morning I received my paycheck and again like last spring I see my pay started being docked the day Christi died, ugh. Even though I don’t think I can possibly do it, I may be returning before I’m ready.
Today I may join Shayne for a workout at the gym. I have lost a lot of weight in recent weeks, but Shayne - the witty one, reminded me: "Muscle weighs more than fat and sitting for days in Christi's hospital bed wasn't exactly a workout of any sort." I was able to eat yesterday. (Who can turn down Wilma's lasagna?!)
FUNERAL FUNNY: Prior to the first day of visitation at the funeral home Shayne and I pulled Shayla on our laps and talked with her about what she may experience. Shayne told her, "People are bad at funerals." She stared at him and then inquired, "Do you mean bad like they run around and break stuff, or do they hurt your feelings?" (What a hoot!) Shayne went on to explain that no one really knows what to say at a funeral home and things can be said that do hurt your feelings even though people don't intend to do that.
posted by the Thomas team @ 8:24 AM
22 Comments:
Thinking of you always- praying for you all.
Know I love you all dearly.
Much love and many prayers as you continue to walk this journey no parent should ever have to.
I love you!
Lots of love and prayers,
Heather
Angela ~ Shayne ~ Shayla (and Christi too!) ... just wanted to stop in and "see how you're doing?" .. silly thing to ask because we all know that this is a terribly journey to be on! I am glad to hear you made it "through" yesterday and were able to teach a bit last night ... the gym sounds like a nice output for your feelings - nothing like a good punching bag or a run on a treadmill ... I just want you to know that I am still blown away by the was Christi has touched my life ... I continue to see her in my head when I ride the bus to work and the thought of her makes me smile when I watch my own daughter play with her kitty - your sweet daughter has touched my life in a way I can not explain ... I only hope to someday repay your family for sharing her with us ... May God continue to hold you close ... THANK YOU Christi for teaching me to LIVE! Sweet Shayla ... what a gem you have in her - quick wit even with a broken heart she still manages to make everyone around her smile ...
God Bless!
Rebekah Clark
Prior Lake, MN
mommy_jaden@yahoo.com
Angela, I have never walked in your shoes nor will I pretend to know how you feel. I think that you can only take it day by day - second by second if necesary! My thoughts and prayers are with you!
A wake funny for you: My mom's friend was preparing to go to a wake when her granddaughter asked where she was going. She replied that a friend's husband had died and that she was goign to say she was sorry. Her granddaughter looked up at her and said, "Why? Did you do it?" (I hope that put a tiny smile on your face!)
Continued prayers for peace -
Kim
Maybe keeping busy is the ticket...it doesn't change anything but if you fill your time with things to do, then you will eventually find your way back and be able to call on the happy memories Christi brought you at school. You can think of it as the place you go to remember Christi when she was happy and well enough to be doing normal things...and I know it will be hard, but maybe in time, those memories will be a comfort to you. Take good care.
I followed Christi's journey and know that heaven has a brighter smile with her there. I also have an angel in heaven, our daughter, Delaney. She became an angel in heaven in Januray 2002.
I just wanted you to know that your family has lived with such dignity and grace. Christi is a proud angel in heaven.I know how difficult it is to get up and continue on, but we as parents have to for our children here on earth.
Amy, proud Mom of Angel Delaney - www.caringbridge.com/ca/delaney
I hope that you're able to take a bit of time off if you can; it's sad that most people do have to return to work so soon after a life's loss. My prayers are with you because for you, it must be twice as hard, since as you say, school & Christi just go hand in hand. Sometimes work is kind of therapeutic in that it does get us out of the house and is a bit of a change, if you know what I mean, but here you're going to have to go back to the school with all it's memories. You and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers; I did have to smile at Shayla's question though--it somehow conjured up an image of usually somber people dressed in their best running amok. She sounds like a very dear little girl, and I hope she's doing okay being back at school.
Angela - Grieve how you must, when you must and for as long as you must. The realities of life may make you take on a task or responsibility that you feel is too difficult. Try to take it on if you must but if it is too much, admit that to yourself and anyone else who needs to understand. You need to be so very honest with what you are going through now and no one needs pass judgment. These are your "shoes" and your "shoes" only you are walking in and they certainly don't "fit" at all. The intensity, frequency or manner of your grief may vary from day to day, minute to minute but allow the ebb and flow of this process to run its course. Everyone has a different way of getting through this. Christi wants you to be who you are right now and she understands and she is sending you signs - have you seen them? Don't disbelieve they are from her - open your mind, your heart and your soul to them because that is how Christi is watching out of you and holding you close. Being a "cemetary visitor" is not such a bad thing - many a soul cleansing, heart mending conversation has taken place there - find your peace and strength wherever you can - you deserve that, especially right now - it is all too new for you to understand what your new "normal" will ever feel like - prayers and thoughts - One suggestion, read Alison Haddocks blogs to you - she is such a faithfilled, faithful, Christian, down to earth woman - her messages will help and she honestly means she wants to help - she has been where you are and cares how you survive. Take care - just someone you don't know who cares.
Christi's story is such a beautiful one...well, the story of your family...The funeral, well, I cannot think of a more fitting funeral for such a beautiful girl and everything I have read and scene about Christi shows me that she was beautiful inside and outside, as you and your husband and your other daughter are as well.
However, I am upset that they cannot pay you for a while. I think it would be great if you could get away with your sister w/o the pressure of knowing you need to return to work. The last thing you guys should have to worry about right now is money.
More than anything I just wanted to say that your journal has touched my life in a positive way, makes me appreciate my family and children so much more, and your beautiful, wonderful and amazing daughter will not be forgotten!!!
Jennifer
I would love to make a contribution to help send you on a much-needed and much-deserved vacation. Please tell me where I can send something! You are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless,
One step at a time, one minute, hour, and day at a time. Glad to read you got out of the house. You took a huge step by going to teach your class. That is a great place to start since it isn't as raw as going back to Seneca. That one may take some time, and that is Ok. Thinking of you and Christi everyday and checking in on you everyday too. I think Christi would love for you to read a book to her.
Hugs to the team.
-Melissa B
Angela ... just sitting her thinking about your family ... over my lunch I was re-reading the blog from over the summer ... what an INCREDIBLE summer you all gave Christi and Shayla ... I was reading an entry from July 11th about Christi's fuzz, fingernails and fur ... you mnetioned her Halloween Costume Idea and I was wondering that when/if you are emotionally up to it would you share Christi's idea for her costume with us ... I was looking at all the photos (AGAIN!) and the fun she had during Halloween was so evident in her smiles ... I am so sad that she is gone ... but she has brought me closer to the Lord, my family and the hugs I "strangle" my baby with at night are even more tight because of Christi's short life here ... hope you day is going as well as it can ... thank you again for continueing to share your family with us ... Christi will NEVER be forgotten!
Thinking of you!
Rebekah Clark
Prior Lake, MN
mommy_jaden@yahoo.com
Hi thomas family,
I am yet another lucky person who has been touched by your family through this blog. Christi's amazing spirit and your amazing love for her shine through every entry. I am holding your whole family close to my heart, along with many others all over the world. I won't ever forget Christi, nor will I forget the lessons I learned from the way your family live and love together. And you are certainly right- heaven has gained a beautiful, bright little angel.
Peace be with you,
Kate in MN
I'm happy to hear you went to your classroom lastnight to teach, and going to the gym sounds fun!
I hope you are able to attend your classroom soon enough even though Christi isn't present.
I still think of you all daily. God Bless you all. All those flowers on her grave are beautiful, can't wait to see her tombstone.
Much Love, Krystal
krystalcarlson@gmail.com
My heart breaks for you all over again each and every day. I pray there is a way for you to take the time you need to begin to heal.
We have been inpatient here in Columbus for the last 5 days and so many Nurses have asked me to send their condolences to you. Christi is remembered fondly here! I hear so often hear how Eden's personality reminds them of Christi and I always take it as such a complement.
All our love
Lisa www.edenadams.com
Thinking of you and wishing there was something I could do or say to lessen your pain.
Many warm hugs,
Candy Belanger
Angela, just think, you'll be walking into your school with Shayla. you can hold her sweet little hand and the two of you can walk in together!
Angela, Shayne & Shayla,
Just checking in on you. I hope today was just a little better than yesterday. I cannot blame you for not being a "cemetary goer", simply because there is no need. Christi is with you always, you don't have to go there to be around her.
Also, bills will always come and there is a good chance they will never be fully paid off. I definitely think a little vacation is in order. You deserve it.
Love, Jennifer
Every breath, heart beat, minute, hour, is a baby-step toward your "new normal." Make sure you give yourself credit for each one.
I am praying that you all find that eventually each "step" gets a bit easier (I don't think it will ever truely be "easy.")
You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.
I can't honestly think of anything to say that has not been said by so many that care and love ya guys. All I can say right now that hearing about Christi and reading her story of what she went through had convinced me to not do something that I would truely regret. Her story had also opened my eyes to the reality to life and forced me to grow up a little more than what I already am.
I really wish I had the chance to meet her in person and talk to her. Even though she was only 9 years old and I 19, I really looked up to her as inspiration in changing my life around. Her funeral was really beatiful and I was in tears through out the whole thing, espeacially when her friends read the poems. Not matter what happenes in the future I will always look up to her and your family for inspiration.
Much Love,
~*~Sam~*~
Baby steps...at your own pace. Remember to now take care of yourselves.
Oh Shayla, you make me smile.
I have a funny for you also. I will never forget when my uncle Rudy died and we all went to the funeral home before everyone started to arrive. Well my nephew Brian who was about four years old at the time walked up to uncle Rudy and said "why does he still have his glasses on? Maybe he really didn't die."...and with that he puts his hand over uncle Rudy's chest and says real loud: "nope, it's not beeping anymore". Certainly added a touch of humor during such a sad time.
Holding you close forever.
love, sylvia
Hi Thomas Team,
Just stopping in to let you know I'm thinking about you tonight.
-Brooke, in Logan, UT
My funeral funny for the day: my elderly grandmother passed away suddenly in her 80's and her husband of 50-some years was at the funeral parlor. He was in his 80s and could still get around somewhat but needed help getting up. When we came home and told her that his wife had passed away, he was very quiet and did not speak much. We arrived at the funeral home before the calling hours and my grandpa was sitting in a chair next to my husband, my mother was very upset, there was alot of crying going on, etc. My grandpa was known for "passing loud gas" and always used to say when i was little, "did you see the ducks go by?" Anyway, at the funeral home, he started to get up out of his chair so we thought he was headed up to the casket again so my husband went to give him a hand getting out of the chair and instead of standing up like we all thought he was going to do, he just lifted his butt and let out a HUGE one. it truly broke the somber mood in the room and we all started laughing and he said, "Sorry, Gee, (that is what he called his wife, short for Gizella) I had to!" It could not have happened at a better time!
Thanks for sharing all your funeral funnies (if we should call them that) with all of us!
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