Reality Arrives

Thanks to the Advertisr-Tribune for sending me this picture this morning. It was on the front page of the newspaper yesterday. What a send off; so sweet!

So today the reality of the fact that beatuful Christi is really gone is beginning to hit. Last night Shayla and I were trying to get to sleep in our bed. For a very long time, she was really wiggly, but she didn't want to talk and then she disappeared. I gave her a few minutes before setting out to look for her. I found her tucked in and weeping in Christi's bed with the covers pulled up over her head. She's missing her big sister terribly, as we all are. Yesterday in church Father asked the children what nice things they could do for their brothers or sisters. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach as my tears fell down on top of Shayla's head knowing her sister is in Heaven and she's going to be stuck with these brother/sister questions for the rest of her life.

Much to my shock, Shayne returned to work this morning and Shayla returned to school. I don't know how they did it. Everyone has told us this is when it just begins to get hard. I just look at Christi's brand new bookbag sitting here and I can't stop crying. School was a place where we were all safe; something we all did together, a place we all loved. How can I even walk into that building without Christi beside me? The week they were in Philadelphia and I was back at work there was a fire drill. As I reached out to close my classroom windows prior to vacating I saw Christi's class marching down the sidewalk and it literally took my breath away. I can't imagine seeing her class and knowing she's not just in Philadelphia; she's really not here at all. Her classroom was directly below mine this year and we would tease each other that we were going to pass notes up and down in a bucket. How we both adored her teachers and knew she was going to have a great year. That week Christi & Shayne were in Philly Shayla came up to my classroom after school as that's what the girls do (typically playing "school", until I finish up) and Shayla asked, "Where's Christi?......Oh, I forgot." I'm so fearful that will happen again. I'm so fearful that no one will mention Christi's name as they'll be afraid to upset me, when there's nothing worse than thinking people have forgotten her already. A couple of weeks ago the Labor Management Committee decided they would be putting me on an unpaid leave (FMLA) so I know I must return to work as the bills which haven't stopped for the past four years won't for many, many months so I've been told. Additionally, my insurance and retirement are being affected adversely as a result of not being able to work yet, but I'm just not certain when I will be emotionally able to do that. I know I must be able to have control of the situations in my classroom and right now I don't even have any ability to control my own body. I just look at a box of Christi's breakfast cereal or her handwriting on a paper she left around the house and fall apart.