Hope to Cope

For years people asked me how I could keep marching along as I did. I always reponded, "Hope". Upon learning she had cancer, I had hope that she'd get through the nine month protocol just fine. When she didn't I had hope that alternative treatments would save her life. When in March of 2003 we learned it was indeed terminal, I still had hope convincing myself that if she just held in there long enough a cure would be found. Even the last week I had hope - a different kind of hope. I had hope that she'd have a peaceful transition. Now, weeks after her death, I still have hope. I hope to live the rest of my life in a way that will ensure that we will one day be together again - in a much better place. (Thank you to a sweet Prayer Warrior for making this picture! The photo of Christi was taken in October 2005 when Christi hopped up on a chair and I slipped my wedding dress over her head and gave her my wedding flowers to hold. What a beauty!)

Despite my "hope" it's still very, very hard and my Angel friends who have also had a child die of cancer tell me time makes it worse for over a year. I spent much of the afternoon crying my eyes out on the couch wondering, "How can it possibly get any worse?" An hour before we were going to leave to go to the football game last night with our classmates (It's our 20th class reunion weekend; can you believe it? Certainly we're not THAT old, smile.) I suddenly realized I couldn't possibly go. Although I wanted Shayne to go be with our friends we haven't seen for so many years, he said he wouldn't leave me. Instead we watched "The Wild" with Shayla and ate popcorn. Hopefully, tonight I'll be up to the 1986 class dinner. I really love our old high school friends.

This morning will find us taking another family bike ride with Aunt Marty and Uncle Jeff - this one on the Lexington/Mansfield trail. Although my legs and arms are still aching from Shayne giving me exercises to do that the gym yesterday, I'm looking forward to our bike ride!