Christi Defined

My delay in updating has been caused by a variety of factors. The final week of school last week was terribly emotional. I just kept seeing Christi’s class over and over – outside getting their picture taken, walking around the halls, etc., etc. It was sometimes so hard to just breathe. Seeing her classmates continues to be my most difficult challenge and continues to cause me the most pain. She loved her class and school so much; I literally hurt thinking that she should still be with them. School ending also indicates yet another passage of time and the realization that the new school year will just make it even longer since I held her in my arms. It seems like I miss her more now than ever before.

After school on Friday we loaded up and took off for Lake Erie - a place that typically makes us all very happy. Shayne and I spent many moments crying over the weekend. Upon entering the condo and going into our room, her things appeared to be everywhere and we missed her so much. I saw the stack of books she had waiting for her to read this year lined up in our closet; clothes she’d never wear again seemed to be teasing me and I threw away her little toothbrush (upon it she wrote her name in a black permanent marker because she was concerned that someone else would accidentally use her toothbrush – what a hoot). We spoke with our NYC friends many times as their little sweetie died just two weeks ago and they are having a very tough time too. Sometimes it helps just to cry with someone else who understands.

Thankfully, little Miss Shayla keeps us going; she’s such a blessing. You can’t be down and feeling sad and sorry for yourself when you have a sweet little girl at the lake so, Shayne took her out on the jet ski numerous times. Of course this just made me sad remember how Christi's giggle could be heard while I sat on the rocks waiting for them to return; she loved the wave runner so much. Shayla also went swimming, fishing, and to a festival. One night we ate food that was grilled on the beach – very cool! I finished reading our latest family books “The Whipping Boy” and a child's version of “Great Expectations”. We’ve all enjoyed the books tremendously. While hard to read her the books Christi enjoyed so much, especially near the end because they bring the harsh memories flooding right back, Shayne’s going to get out the Hank series – the final set of books Christi had been enjoyed before she died. He said he thinks he’s going to be able to get through it. I’m not so certain.

On the last day of school, I gave the school a $250.00 check to purchase the entire set of “Hank the Cowdog” books for the student library, in Christi’s honor. The books are really cute; I believe the literature is of high quality and I hope that the students enjoy their new books for years to come. Christi would have liked that since the school library didn’t have any. Now next year they’ll have all 38 – or whatever the number is. The librarian told me yesterday that she already ordered them and in each book will be placed a little plaque, inside the front cover, with Christi's name - so sweet!

Staying with grandma at the lake, Shayla had a wonderful babysitter so Shayne and I went out two nights – one sitting outside watching all of the people at the festival walk by and another night we went out to dinner. The night after dinner, someone Shayne knows came up to us. Soon his girlfriend had the audacity to tell me that nine years was a very long time and that I am so lucky. Her girlfriend’s baby was born with a disease and died at eleven months. I was shocked and suddenly overcome with rage. After she said that, I immediately stood up, whispered to Shayne, “I need to leave now before I say something I’ll later regret,” and I went to the gift shop and cried my eyes out until Shayne soon came and we left. While I totally agree that I was so fortunate to have Christi in my life at all, it really hurt coming from a complete stranger that never even knew our precious sweetheart.

I cannot believe it has taken me days to get over that rude comment, but it has. It's certainly not the first time I've had someone tell me that their loss was more painful than mine and I always just bite my tongue and figure they must not know how terribly hurtful and mean they are being when they have absolutely no experience with my loss. Losing any loved one is horrific and I would never tell anyone that my loss was worse than theirs.

The image at the top of today’s entry was given to me on the last day of school by Christi’s sweet fifth grade teacher. She’ll never know how much that meant to us by having her included with the class book that made, featuring each student. Even though I burst into tears immediately after it was given to me, I thought it was the greatest thing in the world! And then my next class walked in and saw me. I wiped away my tears and kept saying, "Sorry about that. Sorry about that. I'm just going to miss you all so much, smile." Soon they joked with me “You’re either smiling or crying, there’s no in between with you, is there?!” Hee hee! I love my students!! I am so blessed! So I could only joke back, “You think I’m crying because I won’t be your teacher again, but really I’m going to be smiling as soon as you leave.” Hee hee! (Little did they know I actually did a cartwheel for Shayla in the school hallway after all of the busses pulled away and Shayla told me how happy she was it was summer vacation and she wouldn’t have to share me with my students all summer. I told her how happy I was about that too. What a cutie!)

Thank you, Mrs. Sauber and to the fifth grade class who will always hold a special place in our hearts. Christi - friend who is missed dearly, loved school, never forgotten

While I had a teacher work day and then class Wednesday night Shayla stayed with my mom (Nonee) and Paw Paw Joe. She had an enjoyable time - as you can see from the cookie backing pictures. I picked her up yesterday and since we had to head north for her therapy we went to the Toledo Zoo. I knew it'd be tough being there for the first time without Christi - and it was, but we also shared a wonderful, enjoyable two hours at the zoo. The new baby polar bear cubs are beyond precious!
I snapped this one of a giggly 2 1/2 year old Christi - not wanting to go to bed.
I love this picture! We were in Las Vegas, staying at Circus Circus for two nights before driving down to Phoenix for Josh's graduation in 2000. At the buffet at Cesar's Palace Christi was shocked that we let her get a big cream puff like that. She was most intrigued by the fancy buffet at age 2 1/2, never really going to a buffet before. What a hoot!