I Last Saw This Beautiful Face One Year Ago Today

The lid to Christi's casket was closed one year ago today. I chose not to watch that happen; I never wanted to see darkness covering this little sunshine who seemed to always radiate great light, despite all she was going through. Having had terribly challenging days recently, I try to force myself to remember all of the light and the happy times and try not to dwell on how I miss her terribly. I've never done anything so hard.

Just like we did one year ago today, we gathered out at the cemetery. The three of us sat out there for a long time this afternoon. Of course we didn't shed tears the entire time, we had a few laughs too. (We were quite surprised to see that an amazing sweetheart left two cookies. Shayla said, "Christi don't be greedy," as she took half of one cookie and put it over on my deceased father's plaque, next to Christi's. I didn't have the heart to tell Shayla that my father really didn't like sweets and he'd want Christi to enjoy cookies.....cookies & milk - what turned out to be her final food. We also played with a little game left for Christi and that made us smile as did the blue flowers we knew Christi's friend, Sarah, left.) I cannot believe the kindness we saw displayed out there today. Christi was deserving; we are not. Thank you to the kind angels on earth for stopping out at the cemetery and visiting with Christi. I have many things to share which I will do so when I am stronger.

Today, while visiting with my mom and Joe, I also shared with her the scrapbook Christi started when she was five years old and first diagnosed. Her words and her pictures are both so innocent and yet so powerful and terrifying of how she must have been feeling during those first days of experiencing hospital life. It makes me realize how well she adjusted and perhaps why she always liked to do things for the little kids at the hospitals to make them feel better. I'll also upload those scrapbook pages soon - and hope the "Blogger Monster" won't eat them! (He's been wicked recently, smile.)

Tonight, we mustered up the courage and went to Heidelberg College to see the Education Department's lasting memorial to Christi for the first time. There was great anxiety surrounding our trip as we weren't certain how we'd react when we saw the plaque/stone under the tree they lovingly dedicated to her last October. Well, since the tears have been flowing so much in recent days, there was no need to stop them tonight. It is absolutely gorgeous and the sweetest thing. As I finally made myself leave and get back into the van I said to Shayne, "There could be no greater gift. That is absolutely unbelievable." He couldn't agree more. We ended our evening by going to a campus restaurant, Christi loved so much, "Rock Creek Cafe" and enjoying pizza. Our mood lightened up while in there surrounded by the college students. Shayne made the funniest joke, which of course I reprimanded him for - it's my job - but this is what he said, "I always worried about Christi going to college and getting stoned." After he explained it to Shayla she absolutely roared with laughter too saying, "She did! She did! She went to college and got stoned!"

Finally, my deepest thanks to our Texas friends - the Bakers. This incredible drawing (Yes, drawing, it is not a photo) posted here, as well as a precious one of Shayla I'll share soon, was sent to us last week from our friends. They hired a very talented artist and I simply wept with joy when I saw it. It looks just like her - the way I want to remember her forever with that precious, innocent smile and those gorgeous blue eyes - pain free and happy. Fly, Christi, Fly!