Improvements

I think it's going to get easier; I really do. It's been a killer of a week, but I don't believe anyone would ever know that! I'm very good at being able to compartmentalize and I thank God for that! Coming home and crying while I write really has helped me.

Now that I've made it through four days of school I can say that at times seeing Christi's gentle little friends, sitting in their desks, is actually nice. Christi has the sweetest friends and I know that they will never forget her. I want to be the best teacher possible for them; it's like the only way I can pay them back for being so nice to her. While they may be afraid to say her name, and I've worried about how uncomfortable they may be with me, I've said "Christi" briefly as we are currently working on autobiographies. As I shared my examples, I explained I have two daughters. "Most of you probably remember Christi, my oldest daughter." I also told a little funny tidbit that Christi said when she was about four which made them laugh. We were reading an autobiography where the author was in trouble so his mother called him by his full name. Many of my students said that happens to them too as they shared different stories. (PIC: Christi at her first Dance Unlimited recital, 1 year old. June 1998)I told them about checking into a Chicago hotel when Christi was about four. When Shayne realized the desk clerk had a name tag that said, "Christine" he picked her up and said, "Look! She has your name!" Christi leaned forward, sized up that name tag and proudly exclaimed, "That's my 'getting in trouble' name!" It's really hard not to be envious of them and not to feel horrible for them too as I know the loss they've experienced. One day this year I may even tell them about Christi getting kicked out of day care for biting for six weeks when she was 16 months old. I think they'd find that shocking and hilarious!

Our students have a little tradition where they sign their names on each other's binders with words like "Friend" or "BFF" (Best Friend Forever) beside their name. Seeing those names on Christi's very special friends' binders nearly took the wind out of me when I saw them earlier this week as obviously Christi's name wasn't there. As the students changed classes, I told a colleague that just seeing the binders felt like a knife going through my heart. He knew I was having a challenging day and he told me, "But Christi now has new friends and these friends are the forever kind." I had to laugh at that one!


The first day I had all of my students complete a survey so that I could get to know them better and so that we could chat about it on day #2. One of Christi's friends, who used to decorate our front door when Christi was in the hospital to welcome her home, wrote something that made me bawl when I sat at the kitchen table reading them - but in a good way. The question said, "If you could go back and give yourself advice, what would that advice be?" She wrote, "Spend more time with Christi". When the girl was in near tears in my classroom the following day, I called her mom. Talking and crying with her really helped. I know many of these kids miss Christi too. Christi was so blessed with great friends, and I am too!

Tomorrow will be GRAND! I heard from Shayne after school today. He is now in Holland and will soon be on his flight home after something crazy like four countries in five days, touring plants and looking at equipment in very rural areas. I know he'll be exhausted, but he's just going to have to get over it because my sister and I have made big plans! While Shayla and I had a great week together, it's just not the same without him here.